Older i become, more often i notice and think of elderly people, who rather not just may need help, but can’t survive without it, while their organism continues to deteriorate and everyone knows it just won’t get better.
When i think about it, i’m afraid. I’m fucking scared. Experiencing myself even in thoughts not being able to do simplest things shits me out. I won’t even talk about spending significant portion of life with elder relative to help them through.
Then rational thoughts just pop up. Just to be clear: i apply following only to myself and not saying what abstract anybody should do. But i don’t see any worth of myself in such state. If i ever see that i can’t cope myself with daily things, that my net gain is actually my net loss, i prefer ending misery shortly after, because, well, it’s a liability rather than anything else, and there is no reason to keep one. I joke about committing suicide quite often, because obviously it’s an edgy and tabooed topic, which helps to drain the pressure from actual thoughts, but i guess it’s the first time i’m speaking about real willing to do so, even though it’s not about now or near future. Of course, there’s quite a probability my mind will dramatically change over time, but i hope i will be able not to trade rational thinking for pointless grains of short and pitiful existence once i clearly see i’m no use.
